An Outside View: Pay me to talk

news@theheraldnewspapers.com I spent this past weekend at a training conference learning all about how to be an effective manager. Believe it or not, I actually have another job that doesn’t involve expressing my opinions about the sports topic of the day. I don’t get to poke fun at a certain high profile college football coach or bemoan the demise of America’s pastime - baseball. Oh sure, I have plenty of opinions to share, maybe too many sometimes if you ask those with whom I work, but it is in my nature. It’s that old curse of always thinking you are right and wanting people to know it. A steady stream of overpriced speakers paraded upon the stage to tell us why we are so bad managing people. They tried to motivate. They tried to entertain. They tried to teach. But mostly, they tried to keep us awake. When one guy started talking about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, he was almost drowned out by the snoring in the audience. If his speaking career doesn’t work out, he may have a future curing insomnia. The hard part was spending a weekend without sports. The suspense of the NFL draft had been building for days but I missed the whole thing. Did the Titans really draft Vince Young? Is Air McNair rally history? The NBA playoffs are apparently getting interesting but I wouldn’t know. There was no baseball, no NASCAR, no ESPN, no nothing involving a ball. There was only talk about such nonsense as employee self esteem, managing for results, yada, yada, yada! The conference wasn’t a total waste. I must admit I did learn something. I learned that anyone can be a professional speaker and, with what those guys make, I am seriously considering a career change. Tell a couple of jokes, make up a few stories and pretend they are true, work in a quote from Teddy Roosevelt or Harry Truman, and grab the check and run. I could do that. Actually, I lied earlier. It wasn’t a weekend totally without sports. It’s funny how many times a $1,000 dollar an hour speaker can use sports analogies trying to reach the male dominated audience. I guess they are trying to get down on our level. They tried to convince me that, as a manger, I am first a coach. I wondered to myself, ‘Am I a Phil Fulmer or a Bruce Pearl? If I throw a few chairs, will my employees think of me more as a Bobby Knight?” One guy really had me thinking. He explained to us that effective management starts with recruiting good employees. Just like the college football coach, the success of any manager depends on getting good talent. I took that to mean I need to have some rich boosters make some illegal payments to prospective employees that I really want to work in my organization. I’ll start by checking with one of those Internet recruiting services to see where to find the best talent. There was much talk about teamwork, managing to win, maximizing potential, and all that good stuff. Cool guys in $1,000 suites trying to relate to a bunch of old codgers who really wanted to be somewhere else. It was an opportunity to refine that skill I perfected in college…sleeping in a sitting position. Ah, but now it’s great to be back in the real world with real sports; however, if there is anyone out there who wants to pay me a couple of grand to come tell them what I learned, I am available.