A letter to Santa

(Thanks to our secret sources at the North Pole, we have managed to get our hands on some letters written to Santa Clause by local boys and girls. Here’s one written by a Knoxville lad named Buzz). Dear Santa: I know I haven’t written you in awhile but life has been good and I didn’t really need anything. But these are desperate times. You see, I’m a basketball coach and it seems that having a catchy first name and being Michael Jordan’s former roommate is no longer good enough. People expect me to win games and things haven’t been working out too well lately. I’ve tried to be a good boy so I was thinking you might be able to help. Here’s my wish list with ten things I would like for Christmas. 1. A book on coaching basketball. That stuff Dean Smith taught me just isn’t cutting it anymore. Make sure the book has chapters on offense, defense, and rebounding. We’re not doing very well in any of these areas. If you have a book on how to land a few top prospects, it might help too. I’m figuring out that you don’t win in the SEC by beating out Belmont for players. 2. It would be great if you could get 18,000 screaming, orange clad fans and put them in the seats at Thompson-Boling for our home games. Playing at home is like being in a tomb. It is so quiet, that when Scooter yawns, fans in the stands can hear him. Yeah, I know it’s unusual for basketball players to yawn while on the court but Scooter gets a little bored when we’re on defense. 3. Speaking of Scooter, another basketball under the tree would be great. That way, we would have a ball just for Scooter and the other four guys would have one to share. 4. I could really use a chisel. Apparently, my guys stepped in some wet concrete and it is now weighing them down. I can’t think of any other explanation for them standing so flat footed. 5. I don’t know if there is anything you can do about it but I wish people would stop comparing me to Wade Houston. I mean, gee-whiz, I don’t have a son who’s a future NBA lottery pick. 6. Would it be too much to ask for a 6’10” center that can score more than 2 points in crucial road games? Heck, I’d be satisfied with one who could get us more than 5 rebounds a game. How about wrapping Elgrace up and bringing him back to me? 7. Now, that I’ve brought up big men, could you get me just one post player who doesn’t think he’s a point guard? I really don’t need big guys who like to dribble. 8. I mean no disrespect but is it totally unreasonable to ask for a few players with IQs higher than their jersey numbers? I don’t mean guys that could get into Vanderbilt or anything like that. I would just love to have a couple of guys smart enough not to foul a 3-point shooter with time running out on the shot clock. 9. I really need at least one win on the road in the SEC. I’m tired of the Tennessee road kill jokes. 10. I don’t want to sound like a whiner but can we play a few games this season without officials who are blind? Don’t get me wrong, Santa. I’m all for equal opportunities for people who are blind but do they all have to be SEC officials? Well, that’s about it. I know it sounds like a lot and I apologize for that. But you’re my only hope. If you don’t come through for me, I may be selling insurance this time next year. By the way, you got coverage on that sleigh? If you can’t get me all of this for Christmas, I understand. If you can’t deliver, then I ask for only one thing. Please bring a truckload of air freshener because I’m afraid we’re going to continue to stink things up pretty bad around here. Your Friend Always, Buzz P.S. I’ll ask the guys to leave cookies under the tree for you. Well, that might not be a good idea. They may mistake them for basketballs. Scooter will shoot them, Brandon will drop them, Dane will study them, and Major will eat them. It’s hopeless, Santa!