A look ahead to ‘04

By Terry Smith With this crystal ball I hold Next year’s future will be told Some surprises you may not buy But my magic sphere does not lie So settle down and hear this sooth Tell you of next year’s truth •DNA tests prove conclusively that Phil Fulmer is in fact the long lost Pillsbury Doughboy now all grown up and in his 50’s. •Vandy finally wins an SEC title when conference sanctions chess as an official sport. •In an effort to clean up its bad boy image, the NBA declares that convicted felons can no longer play in the league. Five games are cancelled due to too few players. •Inspired by Jared who gained fame on TV with his Subway Diet, Phil Fulmer starts his own diet. He calls it the Krispy Krème Diet. •The New England Journal of Medicine announces a successful treatment for insomnia. It’s called soccer. 9 out of 10 patients tested fell fast asleep when forced to watch a soccer game on TV. •Fulmer buys a condo in Atlanta after Vols are named permanent hosts of the Peach Bowl. •Vol fans dream of the days that you couldn’t spell Citrus without a ‘U” and a “T”. •Not wanting to be outdone by the Red Sox, George Steinbrenner buys the Statue of Liberty and then trades it to San Francisco for Barry Bonds. •Kobe Bryant is named MVP in the Colorado State Prison Basketball League. •Randy Sanders finally admits that he isn’t a real offensive coordinator but he does sleep at a Holiday Inn Express. •After the shocking revelation, Sanders is fired and is replaced with Casey Clausen’s dad. Rick Clausen is named starting QB for next season. •Wanting to cut down on travel costs, the NCAA moves its headquarters to Tuscaloosa. •Seymour wins the state title in baseball and then promptly fires its coach. Why would they want the same coach two years in a row? •The NHL cancels Stanley Cup Playoffs but no one notices. •Sammy Sosa tests positive for steroid use. He claims he meant to take two aspirin when he accidentally took the steroid, which he used once before a home run hitting contest. He receives the stiffest punishment allowed under basic labor agreement. He must write 100 times, “I will not pop pills.” •UT athletic director, Mike Hamilton, writes a book entitled, “Begging, Whining, and Threatening: An AD’s Guide to the Peach Bowl.” •Hamilton and Fulmer sell their stock in Outback Steakhouses. They invest their money in Chick-Fil-A instead. •UT basketball star changes his name from Scooter to Shooter McFadgon. SEC gives Vols permission to use two balls when Shooter is in the game. •Turns out Saddam has no ties to Al-Qaeda but is a member of the Major League Baseball Players Association. Gene Orza files a union grievance to have Saddam reinstated as dictator with back pay. A new strain of Mad Cow Disease spreads over Texas after the Longhorns are slaughtered by Oklahoma. Casey Clausen announces that he will not pursue a career in the NFL and will concentrate on his surfing instead. Coach Clausen is fired after Rick throws 5 interceptions in season opening loss to UNLV and his youngest son commits to play for Florida. Vol fans file missing person report on RB Gerald Riggs. Phil Fulmer is enshrined as an honorary member of the Fraternal Order of Police in recognition of his ability to eat doughnuts as well as any cop. Fulmer is later arrested on suspicion of hiring a hit man to take out a certain sports writer with a propensity for fat jokes.