An Outside View Spring Fling Flung West

terry@seymourherald.com Calling on secret sources known only to me, I have successfully gotten my hands on an important audiotape. I put my family and myself in harm’s way but the most important thing was getting the story. I contacted an old college buddy who I knew had CIA connections, not to mention a few felony convictions. I told him that I needed to secretly tape something. A few days later, my telephone rang and there was a deep raspy voice on the other end of the line. He identified himself only as Rocco. He wanted the particulars. Told me that it was risky but he could do it. We talked price and a few days later the tape appeared in my mailbox in an unmarked envelope. I nervously checked to see if any of my neighbors were watching. Then I ran into the house wild with anticipation. I found my trusty little tape player and popped in the cassette. There it was, as clear as a bell, the TSSAA Board of Control discussing plans to move the Spring Fling to of all places - Memphis. For those of you not in the know, the TSSAA is the governing body for high school athletics in Tennessee. The Spring Fling is the annual weeklong sporting event that determines state championships in baseball, softball, soccer, tennis, and track. For the past nine years, the Spring Fling has been held in Chattanooga but word had leaked out that a change might be in the wind. Nashville is centrally located and made more sense. But the rumor mill even had it being moved all the way to Memphis. Most people in East Tennessee snickered at the ridiculous speculation. Even the TSSAA wouldn’t be that stupid. The following transcript of the meeting proves otherwise. The names have been changed to protect the not so innocent. Billy Bob: We have proposals from four cities to host the Spring Fling and we can’t go wrong with any of them. Billy Joe: Show me the money! Billy Bob: Our committee is recommending that we move to Memphis. Billy Joe: Show me the money! Billy Jack: Do they have an aquarium? Billy Bob: No, but they do have Graceland. You know, the home of Elvis. And we can get you free passes. Billy Joe: Show me the money! Billy Jack: Don’t they have those famous ducks down there at some fancy hotel? Billy Bob: Yes that’s the Peabody Hotel near Beale Street. Billy Jack: Beale Street? Do we get free booze? Billy Bob: Probably and some good ole Memphis blues too. Billy Lee: You know, if we go west, we will be taking a real gamble. Billy Bob: I’m glad you brought up gambling. You know Memphis is just 30 minutes from Tunica, Mississippi which is the third largest gambling center in the world. Billy Joe: Show me the money! Billy Lee: I don’t know nuttin’ about gamblin’ in a casino. Billy Bob: Free blackjack lessons for everyone. Billy Joe: Show me the money! Billy Earl: But how do we explain to folks that have to drive practically all the way to Arkansas? Billy Bob: Memphis folks have had to drive to Chattanooga for nine years. Billy Earl: Well, two wrongs don’t make a right. Besides, Bristol is closer to New York than it is to Memphis. Billy Bob: The key is marketing! We’ll bill it as the Delta Fling in a beautiful city on the Big River. Billy Ray: Memphis? Beautiful? It’s dirty, hot, and has a crime rate that would scare off Al Capone. Billy Bob: They have great barbecue! Billy Ray: If I want great barbecue, I’ll go to Buddy’s. What about the added expense and burden on the parents who have to go that far? Billy Bob: Let’s cut to the chase. Memphis is willing to guarantee the organization $125,000 per year for three years and pay all of our expenses. Billy Joe: Now, you’re talking. Show me the money! Billy Ray: How much of that goes back to the schools and the kids? Billy Bob: That’s the beauty of it. Not a red cent. We keep it all for ourselves. Billy Ray: I know this sports columnist in Seymour who will call us self serving and compare us to the SEC and NCAA. Billy Bob: Who cares what some dumb sportswriter says? Billy Earl: I’ve heard crime, gambling, and booze. Is that really the environment we want for our kids? Billy Bob: It was good enough for Mike Tyson. Besides, I said $125,000. Billy Ray: My conscience won’t let me vote for this. You are saying that we get our pockets lined while the parents and kids have to pay more because of all of the extra travel. Billy Bob: I wouldn’t put it that way. Billy Earl: What about the extra time the kids will have to be out of class because of the added distance? Billy Bob: What does that have to do with anything? Are you deaf? I said $125,000. (After some whispering) Billy Ray, your wife is on the phone. Uh, Billy Earl, would you show him where the phone is? (We hear the sound of footsteps and a door closing). Billy Bob: All in favor say Aye! Well, it must have gone something like that. They said they couldn’t go wrong with any of the cities. Unless of course it was Memphis who was willing to show them the money.