An Outside View: I think doc has it right on this one

Five surgeons are sitting around relaxing and talking about who makes the best patients. The first doctor says, “I like to operate on electricians because when you cut them open everything is color coded.” The second doc says, “Oh no, accountants are better. When you open them up everything is numbered and it makes the surgery really simple. It’s like painting by numbers.” Our third physician has a similar point of view but prefers operating on librarians. “When you get inside everything is alphabetized which really makes it easy.” “Good points,” says our fourth doctor “but I prefer doing surgery on mechanics.” He explains, “They understand the concept that when you take something apart and put it back together again you may have a few extra pats that you just throw away.” But wise old Doc from East Tennessee has a totally different perspective. “I like to operate on Tennessee legislators,” he starts out with a wink. The other four doctors look at each other in puzzlement. He goes on, “You see, when you cut most legislators open you’ll find they have no guts, no spine, no heart and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.” Being that Doc is a crusty old fella from East Tennessee, you can probably imagine that I chose the words “rear end” instead of printing Doc’s actual words even though his may have been more appropriate. That old joke has come to mind more than once in recent weeks as I have watched the men and women we elected to make the tough decisions on our behalf. I figure we may as well laugh at ourselves. The whole nation is laughing at us. “Wait a minute! Isn’t this a sports column?” you ask. “What does all of this have to do with sports?” You’re right, the publisher hasn’t asked me to start writing political editorials but athletics did play a role in this whole debate. In fact, I wonder if the budget crisis would have ever been settled if new UT President John Shumaker hadn’t played the ultimate trump card by saying that the Big Orange’s chances of winning a national championship in football would be greatly reduced if the school had to cancel the second term of summer school as the result of the government shutdown. It seems that 20 to 30 players need the second session of summer school to get eligible for the fall season. Within hours of Shumaker’s remarks hitting the press, the Senate did what it said it would never do – it passed its version of an income tax in order to resolve the stalemate. The House didn’t bite but we knew then that the two sides would be getting together soon. Not properly funding education is one thing but the legislators knew the electorate would forgive them for that. Costing Phil Fulmer his second national championship, which according to some UT faithful is virtually assured, would be a horse of a different color. Our elected officials would risk creating a “vote the rascals out” hysteria and since there are more Big Orange fans than Democrats or Republicans, the gamble would be too great for a body whose members always have an eye on their next re-election. They averted the wrath of the Big Orange Nation with an eleventh hour settlement. Coach Fulmer’s sigh of relief could be heard all across the state as staff and academic advisors began the process of getting guys enrolled in mentally challenging courses like Walking 101. You can bet that class will be full this summer. Those students who have already learned to walk, may want to try their luck at Jogging 101. With all of those high priced tutors on hand, surely they are up to the challenge. There were some who were somewhat embarrassed by Dr. Shumaker’s remarks. After all, there are far more important things at the University of Tennessee that he needs to be defending even if they don’t invoke the same passions as UT football. Dr. Shumaker apparently realized the err of his ways and later stated that UT football was way down his list of priorities when it came to managing the budget crisis. UT football players again came across looking like anything but stellar students. To remain eligible, a player only has to pass 24 hours in a year. With all of the advantages a UT athlete has, why would it come down to the last term of summer school for almost half of the football team? It matters not. All’s well that ends well. We have a budget. UT has been spared. We can now start celebrating that national title which will surely be ours again in January. And we can once again proudly proclaim, “First in football and last in education!”