An Outside View: A look into my crystal ball

My trusty crystal ball sits on a shelf above my desk. I take it down, dust it off, and take a peak to see what is in store for the coming football season. Brace yourself. There may be a few surprises ahead. My crystal ball never lies. Here’s just a few of the things the little sphere revealed to me. 1. Mustard sales go up as UT attempts to cover its biggest hot dog, Kelly Washington. 2. Doug Dickey is investigated for insider trading after selling his Shaklee stock and investing in French’s mustard. 3. TSSAA moves annual Clinic Bowl to Dollywood after Dolly invites the Board of Governors to Splash Country for a wet t-shirt contest. 4. Phil Fulmer joins the weight loss contest with Herald staffers and hires Richard Simmons as his personal trainer. 5. UT and the Men in Orange win the national title – unfortunately it’s the University of Texas. 6. Vanderbilt plays in national title game after team GPA is added to BCS formula. 7. New uniforms land Vols on Ten Worse Dressed List. 8. Those who still love to hate Steve Spurrier suffer in misery as Saint Steve leads the Redskins to the Super Bowl. 9. Vol fans squirm as Phil Simms wins the Heisman Trophy. 10. In response to Title lX complaints, South Carolina adds women’s football as a varsity sport. Lou Holtz doesn’t think it’s necessary. “We already have a bunch of women on our team.” 11. Vol Network replaces Bob Kesling and Tim Priest with Tom Green and Mike Myers saying “at least people are supposed to laugh at them.” 12. “Tee Martin Boulevard” is renamed “Probation Alley.” 13. After winning the state title with what some said were smoke and mirrors, Eagles’ head coach, Gary Householder, takes his magic act to Las Vegas where he replaces Siegfried and Roy. 14. Seymour Principal, Bruce Wilson, names himself to fill in while Householder is gone after declining an offer from a bored Randy Moore to coach the football team. 15. Casey Clausen announces that he will skip his final year of eligibility to concentrate on surfing. 16. Kentucky QB Jared Lorenzen forgoes his senior year and is drafted in the first round of the NFL draft as an offensive lineman. 17. NFL players sponsor a food drive for striking baseball players. 18. SEC West teams draw straws to determine champ as six teams go 4-4. 19. On the weather front, a freak November Hurricane reeks havoc on East Tennessee. 20. Nick Saban makes headlines when a hair on his head is discovered out of place. 21. Vol fans ask what ever happened to high school phenom Gerald Riggs? Vols file missing-person report. 22. Falcons fire Dan Reeves at season’s end and Fulmer’s agent starts rumor that Fulmer is at top of Falcons’ list but once again his phone doesn’t ring. 23. Richard Simmons is fired as Fulmer finds the weight that Herald staffers lost. Herald columnist breaks his crystal ball when none of his predictions come true.