More married couples meeting on the internet

Whether it’s at an Anniversary party or family reunion, the question often asked married couples is, “How did you two meet?” As we’ve moved into the 21st century, in this age of computers and space-age technology, a common answer to that question has been, “We met on the Internet.” In recent decades, the world has become a smaller place, and new possibilities have even opened up in the realm of romance. In many ways the idea of carrying on a long-distance courtship across hundreds, even thousands of miles, might seem appealing - especially if local marital prospects seem limited. Karen Patrick works at the Sevier County Courthouse in the County Clerk’s office, and smiled when she acknowledged, “Our office processed 20,148 Marriage Licenses in 2002, and interestingly, many of the out-of-town couples registering for a Marriage License said they had met on the Internet, but gave us no further details.” In the feature film “You’ve Got Mail,” leading characters Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly found love on the Internet. But can it last? A four-year study at the University of Oregon concluded: “People have as good a chance at achieving deep, meaningful and intimate relationships online as they do in person.” For some couples, a long-distance courtship on the Internet has proven to be a blessing, and many have been married for years. Some may even argue that long-distance courtship has the advantage of allowing couples to get to know each other without the blinding power of physical attraction. Whatever its advantages though, a long-distance romance on the Internet presents some unique challenges. The first challenge, is getting to know each other; because it’s best to know as much as you can about someone you’re thinking of marrying. Of course, it’s not always easy to get to know the real person, ... `the secret person of the heart.’ Is it really possible to get to know someone who lives hundreds, possibly thousands of miles away, on the Internet? Yes, but it can take extraordinary effort. Most people have no money for long-distance phone calls, so they may initially write letters once a week. Others have found letter writing to be inadequate, and send cassette tape recordings each week. But for instant communication, at a reasonable price, many prefer the convenience of sitting at their home computer and logging on to the Internet. Whatever form of communication used, when it comes to romantic expressions, it’s important to be honest. If you lie, it will come out later and definitely affect the relationship. So be honest with each other. Be honest with yourself. If there’s something the two of you don’t agree on, don’t let it go. Discuss it. In corresponding on the Internet, all courting couples need to discuss such subjects as goals, children, financial matters, and health. However, there are matters that may require particular attention. For example, one of you may eventually have to move if you marry. Are you willing and able to do so, mentally and emotionally? How do you know? Have you moved before, or been away from your family for extended periods of time? Be sure to discuss all these personal situations. If your Internet courtship involves someone from another land, are you willing to adapt to another culture? Some cultures permit multiple spouses; could you deal with that? Do you already enjoy each other’s culture on a day-to-day basis? You need to talk about these big issues early in your Internet relationship. The sooner you find out, the better - before you have too much invested emotionally or financially. Living day by day in another culture is extremely different from being a tourist on vacation for a few days in a foreign country. Also consider, will you need to learn another language? Will you be able to adjust to some big differences in living conditions? The intention of marriage is to yoke two people together permanently, not just temporarily. Marrying a person from a long distance away, or perhaps from another culture, presents many challenges. This is not to say that such problems are insurmountable. But one should calculate the expense of entering into such a marriage. How can you tell if your Internet friend is really being open and candid? Do his actions back up what he says? Does his past support his professed goals for the future? Suppose the person you are courting seems evasive. Don’t drop the matter and just hope for the best. Probe deeper, and ask, “Why?” Still, you can learn only so much about a person on the Internet, by letter, cassette tapes or telephone calls. To strengthen the bond of affection, you will eventually want to speak with him face-to-face. Nothing beats spending time with someone in person. It might even be practical for one of you to make a temporary move, so that you can be closer to each other. This will also allow the one who moves to experience the climate and living conditions of what might become his or her new home. Then make the most of your time together. Try doing things together that reveal each other’s qualities. Seeing how the other person behaves under the stress of a busy schedule can be very enlightening. Time should also be spent with potential in-laws. Seek to build a good relationship with them. After all, once married, they will become your family. Do you know them? Do you get along? If at all possible, it’s good for both families to meet. You’ll find the way your Internet friend treats his or her own family is the way he or she will probably treat you. Whether courting face-to-face, on the Internet, by telephone, cassette tape or letter, avoid being hasty in your decisions. If it becomes apparent that a marriage between the two of you simply would not work, then it would be the course of wisdom to discuss going your separate ways, and break off the courtship. On the other hand, it may simply be that more time is needed for more open and honest communication. Long-distance courtship on the Internet can be difficult, but it can also be rewarding. In any event, it’s serious business, so take your time. Get to really know each other. Then, if you two decide to marry, your courtship on the Internet will have been a time you really treasured. Have you had an interesting Internet courtship, romance, or marriage? E-mail your story or comments to: tom@smokymountainherald.com.