Taking a step outside this week, so that I could write for the inside, I left my kilt in the closet, put on some shorts and went to the Gatlinburg Highland Games to see if I could view the games as an outsider would. When you’ve spent years of your life firmly believing a kilt is acceptable clothing to go out and about in, you forget that not everybody understands all the Scottish terms and customs. The unknowing can take some of our games the wrong way, and assume we’re weird. Actually we secretly wonder if we aren’t a little all off our rockers as well, but that’s why we invented scotch, otherwise known as “whiskey.”
The first thing you’ll notice coming to a Highland games is that as you enter a ten mile radius of the site, you will begin to hear a buzzing sound that will grow in volume. It generally sounds somewhat like a cat being tortured with an electric probe. When you arrive, you will see men and women in kilts blowing into a bizarre arrangement of tubes and cloth to produce the sound. We call these “bagpipes.” Which is a much more refined name, when you consider these “instruments” were originally made from animal stomachs punctured by carved wooden tubes.
When you find a viewing area of the games area, we call this a “field,” you will find you are separated by a small rope from some of the biggest men you have ever seen in skirts. In fact they are some of the biggest men you’ve seen ever, skirted or not. And you’re first thought goes something like, “Dear Lord, don’t let me say anything out loud about that giant being in a skirt or he might hear me and eat me alive.” This is just the self-preservation side of your voice kicking in, the friendly suggestion is that you respect it.
At first the competition will look like a primitive track meet, except its all throwing field events and no running. But then things will change when they bring out the 20 lb. bag and begin tossing it over a high bar with a pitchfork. We call this the “sheaf toss.” Throwing heavy bags up in the air may seem a bit pointless, but its much cleaner than the brief experiment with the sheep toss.
After throwing around some more weights and hurling a large stone for distance, the Scot athletes will break out a telephone pole and begin to balance it in the air by the short end. They will then lumber down the field and try to flip the pole end over end and get it come down in a perfect 180 degree flip. We call this the “caber toss.” “Caber” is an ancient Gaelic word that means telephone pole.
Not many people realize that only chance intervention prevented Scottish inventor Alexander Graham Bell from naming his new communication device “the wee caber” instead of the telephone. It was pointed out to Bell that if the poles were called cabers, they would forever be replacing them as the Scots would be pulling them out of the ground to use in their games.
Later in the day, the hearty will enjoy some fine Scottish food. In fine Highland style, you can dine on a course of “haggis.” The haggis is where we take all the insides of an animal, stuff them into the stomach, cook and serve. Not uncoincidentally, there is also an ancient contest for lasses (i.e. females) called “haggis hurling.” This tradition is dated back to when the ladies would toss the haggis across the burn (stream) and their man would catch it in his kilt (skirt). It is not specified if the haggis was thrown as a sign of love or hate.
With fine traditions and sports like these to watch, is it any wonder we Scots proudly strut in our kilts? Of course it doesn’t hurt that we also tend to carry a sword and dagger on our belt as well as a knife in our sock.

… read the rest of the story by Subscribing now.

... read the rest of the story by Subscribing now.